Diary 35

From Edsa To Quiapo

"Hey, what grade did you get in the exam?" Mikael asked.

"So so," I said, waving the blue exam book in my hand.

We often took long walks from Quezon Circle up to Epifanio delos Santos. From the intersection of EDSA and Quezon Avenue, we would turn left and trail EDSA up to Kamuning. In Kamuning, Mikael took a jeepney going to Project 3 while I went the opposite way, to Espana.

These daily walks ended abruptly. We had a sour falling apart.

The last time we took our walk, Mikael pointed to a loading unloading area beneath a large signboard suspended over the pedestrian lane opposite the traffic light. The area was always windy with dust and vehicular pollution, drivers vied for passengers.

Mikael ran his finger over his hair and viewed the sight with a longing. He recalled the days of his initial infatuation with his girlfriend, Anna. A smile appeared in his lips. Pointing to the area he said, "There was the place where I got Anna's heart."

"Yeah?"

"Really. After two long years of patience, she became my girlfriend. It was very difficult at first. I had to stand by the main library entrance just to behold her at least once each day. I would follow her as far as her province Bulacan, like a rabid dog, howling, and crying and begging her to love me. At first, she was mad. She was a distrustful woman. But my persistence paid off."

Listening to Mikael’s love story filled me with envy.

These were some of the things I could not understand. Why was it easy for others like Mikael to be pierced by love, to carry it out passionately, and with the mercy of the gods, earn it? Why didn't I feel that with Tia or Somebody, or Anybody even?

And as if Mikael wanted to elicit more envy, he proceeded with his story. "I don't know. I never found anything significant in Anna physically. She is just an ordinary-looking woman - simple, intelligent. I don't know what drove me crazy about her. I think, there is a predestined connection between us even before the days we were born. We are meant for each other. God, now my life is exclusively hers, she can do anything she wants with me, I don't care. She is my soul my being . . . "

I turned my eyes away. I could not resist my melancholy. I could not feel what he felt. It was difficult to explain. I diverted my eyes to one of the empty lots along EDSA. They reminded me of home. How are my parents?

These lots occupied by the city's squatters reminded me of roots I long denied.

"I like the empty lots," I said. "One day, I'll buy one empty lot and build a Spanish villa."

Mikael did not get it. Still believing what I said was about him, he continued. "I will raise my family in a barren lot, plant trees until it turns into a forest. I will watch my children play." Then, he remembered my words. "Why, did you say you will build a Spanish villa? What is special significant about a villa? You are too dramatic, nowadays you should build a simple and practical bungalow, for your family. Wouldn't it be nice for us to become neighbors?"

I kept strolling. A strong wind pushed us backwards. The vehicles belched dark smoke that began to darken our white scrubs. My eyes kept staring at the lot. An old man sat on top a big rock which stood in the middle, I could read his longing for a forgotten field somewhere . . . which he probably lost. What province was he from? Another failed migrant in the city? A sucker of tragedy? A lover of isolation and loneliness?

Mikael was now behind me."Hey Robert, wait, lets continue our conversation. What is in store for your future? Who is your girlfriend now?"

I slowed down. "Mikael, if I tell you something personal, can you promise me we will remain friends even if you don't like what I am about to say?"

"Robert, since our Comparative Anatomy days, I’ve known you so well, upside-down, inside-out." He grinned.

"You are wrong Mikael."

We slowed our pace, resisting the heavy winds. Mikael raised his eyes to look at the low clouds forming in the sky. He was frowning. It irritated him when someone says he was wrong. He hated that word. His life was dedicated to perfection. Everything should just be right. A mistake wasn't an option for him. Whatever notions he had about anything, and that included me, should always be correct.

"For a month now, I’ve been hustling. And, I’m afraid I’m gay." I announced. I tried to be casual in revealing this, this was Manila, nothing surprised anyone anymore. An ideation of being gay I thought was a natural phenomenon, something worthy of discussion, argumentation, analysis between friends. After all, I was still unsure. If there was one person I wanted to share this secret with, it was Mikael. His intelligence and honesty would give me certainties.

His jaws tightened, he blushed; his eyes narrowed; his steps quickened like he heard nothing.

Somewhere below an overpass, he finally spoke. "Are you sure about that?"

My confidence began to melt, suddenly regretting my revelation."I...I think so."

His voice became firm."So why are you telling me this?"

"Because you're my only best friend. You have the right to know."

"Oh no Robert. I know what you are up to. Do not give me that crap about being best friends with me. You're telling me this because you’re after something."

I was frightened. I smelt danger -the danger of losing something important. I was tempted to back off and just laugh out and say it was all a joke. But it was too late.

"What you are saying Robert was I was fooled. Look at you, dammit, Robert. You are so pathetic acting like a man. How many times did we take showers in the same cubicle? How many times did we sleep in the same room? Why didn’t you tell me this before? What will Anna say if she learns my best friend is a faggot?"

My fear turned into anger. His demeanor, his words, this was not Mikael that I used to know.

"Wait a minute! You are not this narrow minded Mikael."

"Narrow minded! You call it narrow minded when someone was fooled by a fake like you? What is your next line - should I sleep with you? My father warned me before about people like you. He said you ought to get killed. Why did you not tell me, dammit? Why did you make me dumb? You invaded my privacy without any warning. I will never forgive you for this. Homosexual! Faggot!"

"Mikael, please understand. I did not intend to fool you. May God strike me if I lusted on you."

"Go to hell!"

"Mikael, I am not the Devil. If a man is all I wanted, I could get anybody anywhere, anytime I want. I used to be a model."

"A model? I am sorry Roberta. Don't get near me again." He walked as fast as he could away. I watched my only friend being swallowed by the black smoke of EDSA.

Mikael, come back. Shit, it is not easy to forsake your best friend right? It is not easy to doubt me. I am your friend. I got a woman pregnant. I just lost my son. I am selling myself to live and eat. All these get me confused. That is what I meant to tell you. I never entertained any malice toward you, can’t you understand? I am telling you the truth because I trust my soul to you, my life, my hopes. You are the only one I got now, my only brother, my father, my family. Please, help me Mikael.

My words were taken over by the voices of the people of Manila who were busily walking and chatting along EDSA.

I resumed my walk until I reached Quiapo Church. It was dark now. I wandered behind the last row of benches inside the church. I stopped. I stared at the black Nazarene statue dead inside its glass tomb. Christ’s statue comforted me, albeit temporarily. I shook. Even Christ looked really dead to me.

I lingered. I observed the people coming in and out of the church, all immersed in their private thoughts and prayer. My eyes began to swell but I controlled myself - it was improper for a man to cry to a statue. I asked Christ inside the tomb: You said the truth will set me free. Why did you let people condemn me instead? Why did you give me life only to be condemned? Christ, help me.

I opened my eyes. A man was standing at the opposite side of the glass tomb, watching me. He smiled and winked at me. He stuck out his tongue.

I ran away from the church as far as I could go.

Alex Maskara