Year 2008

OFW#5 : A Memo to me, OFW





A Memo to me, OFW



Of course my last post drew a long, pained letter from a nephew who agonized over what he called my 'misinterpretation of his person'. What started an email of inquiry by his mother, asking if I could help shoulder the cost of his application for a job abroad became a source of conflict in the family. This poor kid cried over this. Of course this was not the only nephew I scolded in this blog. Another one asked for money to help in the delivery of his baby and I quickly cut him short and he never dared ask again. A niece wondered if I could help her pay a big debt and I flatly refused. She too had become quiet. I may have helped an entire family for twenty years but I can likewise unleash the most painful words if I find failures in the sacrifices I made. I am not the usual 'beloved Uncle' you dream about. If I did not have a 'life' for twenty years so I could provide everything from food, health, surgeries, hospitalizations, livelihood, education, funeral expenses, everything for my family, then I demand a lot from them. I never promised anybody a rose garden because I am not a rose. I am probably a prick. If you know my life story, you will know how brutal I can become.

I can dramatize this blog as a defense or offense of my being OFW but since there are no books to read about how to manage OFW-ism, I am here to open the book about what it is like from my perspective, how this kind of life can both be a blessing and a curse in the end. It's been years since I saw the last OFWs retire in my hometown and I witnessed their children live as kings as babies and paupers as adults. And all because their OFW parents provided everything they wanted.

It is very tempting to provide everything if you have it. How many times have I paused twice and nearly sent a check to show how much I'd like to glorify my heroism, martyr-spirit, noble heart to those who ask me for it but I hold myself back. No, I am not a populist. In fact I want to anger the people around me because in anger, they will prove themselves. I want them to get really mad so they will know how madness can drive them to greater heights. Sometimes I'd rather be a hurdle to jump over than a door mat to step on. I'd rather be a challenge to surmount than a flat ground to walk on. I never had anyone like my company in growing so I don't really intend to ask for any. This is perhaps one thing I can share to OFWs like me. It does not help to be too giving and if people hate me now, I don't worry about it. They will hate me more if I ignored their impending disastrous future. My faith is so strong that I never for once doubted my actions and decisions. I want people around me to prove themselves first, then we will talk on the same level.

But for now, let me share with you my readers what I think an OFW should do to make your work worth it.

It is important to emphasize to the nation that OFWs aren't money making machines meant to provide for every whim and caprice the beneficiaries want. Working abroad to send money back home is no different from working locally except - the value of the OFW dollar is at least forty times worth the local currency and so its buying power is tremendous. Also, the OFW is away from his family and he does not know most of the things going on, and can easily succumb to a form of 'guilt complex', which means his absence fills him with guilt that he compensates for it by the money he sends. I think that is the most damaging complex destroying a lot of OFW children. I've seen it in my old hometown.

I work in Rehab and I can prove how damaging 'baby-ing' and 'doing everything for' a person is. You are taking away his independence. When a patient calls me every time for everything, I immediately sit down with him and tell him exactly how Rehab works. "You are here," I say to him, "to recover from your injuries and accomplish your maximum potential so you can function as independently as possible in your home environment." I have received many types of responses to this. Some would say 'how dare you expect independence when I got injured only last week'. Some would take my words silently but with underlying resentment. Some would get hysterical, afraid they would never meet the high expectations I impose upon them. Some, especially the young ones, would take my words as a challenge and would bite their tongues and ask what they need to do next. In my work I've had people scream at me, cry for their Mama, threaten to call high heavens, threaten not to do anything at all and sulk inside their rooms allowing no one to come in, argue left and right, wail like infants, smile, laugh, oh, I don't know anymore how many kinds of reactions I received.

But come to think of it: We humans aren't meant to be forever protected by our elders and society. We can not survive in a welfare world. There is a time we must cut our umbilical cords from our sources. If God intended us to be dependent on our providers, He would have given our parents 'pouches' to tuck us in like the way kangaroos tuck in their little babies. We humans are meant to control our environment, not the other way around. We are meant to get out of our homes, find a partner, reproduce and nurture our children until they can be on their own also. Even the Bible has an admonition for this. Eventually, majority of people will get married and 'cleave' off their parents. We are meant to manipulate Nature to both nurture and serve us. We are the only species possessing the highest mental capacity to manage everything including objects in space. Our destiny is to move out of our caves to sustain us. Therefore it will be unnatural for children to stay stagnant and be sustained by their parents forever. It is also a disservice to them. Imagine if you as a parent died tomorrow or lost your job tomorrow or got sick tomorrow? How in the world will your child make it? No matter how much millions you saved for him, if your child is deprived of spine and muscle and the survival instinct needed to face our increasingly turbulent world and age, that child will probably condemn you more for rendering him helpless than be kind to your memory after you passed along.

How do you teach your child to swim? How do you teach him to ride a bicycle? You may initially hold him up and never leave his side. But there will be a point that you must let go. There is a point you stay behind and keep your fingers crossed and pray that no damage would happen to him. If you won't let go, your child will never learn how to swim, he will never learn how to bike. Sometimes he falls and scratches himself. You run after him, pick him up, clean the scratch but you must still let him get up and try and try again.

I have been mentioning in my web how I served my family, how I put everybody through school. People call me kind and generous. I tell them that I only follow the Philippine tradition. We have a tradition, in my hometown at least, that requires parents to 'sacrifice and give everything' for their children. It is admirable to find a mother who will scratch a living, who will not buy anything for herself, who would even deprive herself of medicines so her children will live a wonderful life and go to college. This has one caveat however -- the children are expected to give all back , 'sacrifice and everything' , when their turn comes. This is our 'Catholic and maybe Asian' tradition which is beautiful and keeps the family intact. But it needs to be done correctly.

I have lived in the USA for too long to see how different parenting is among different cultures. Americans admire Filipinos for their extreme love of family and I admire Americans for the way they teach independence to their children. Some Americans do not understand the concept of 'sacrifice' and 'giving everything' to the family because they do not expect the family to give those back to them. I have so adopted this mentality that I never thought of retiring and asking for family help (unless I become so sick and helpless), but really, even in an event of extreme want, the US welfare system is available to help me. I may never worry about food and clothing and shelter in the USA because of its established welfare program. This program is extremely humiliating and bad, I need to tell you this now, but it is there. Obviously, I would only be in the most dire condition to be under welfare. With the hard work I do everyday, seeking welfare is the least of my life's pathways. If I were to become so invalid to be 'welfared' I better be so demented I know nothing about it or I were dead. It is equally kind and generous to free your relatives of the burden of helping you out in your old age if you can help it.

Life is not easy. It invokes a lot from you. If I were only an Uncle who 'sacrifices and gives everything to nieces and nephews' how much more it takes a toll on their parents. It may be easy to say 'let go' for me but a mother or an OFW parent may not be able to withstand it. I know Filipino parents in my community who would rather financially support their children and grandchildren around even if they are paralyzed by joblessness and lack of determination. It sounds dramatic with martyrdom and heroism and nobleness printed all over it but still, you have paralyzed children and grandchildren.

I am proud of my nephews and nieces. Even the ones I castigated have accomplished a lot. The best part of it is their networking, their ability to help one another. A case in point is one niece's husband helped her cousin find a job.The ones who have more help the ones who have less, though, at this point, all of them want to have more. Majority of them are very busy. You know how busy Nurses can become. Between their 24 hour duties and their young yuppy professional lifestyles, they find it hard to even check me out. And I don't mind. I'd rather have a niece who forgets me because she is busy making a living for herself than a niece who calls me everyday because she has nothing to do but call for help. In letting them move upwardly and expand their spheres of influences, I am likewise helping our nation. Here are the educated people for the country I helped. Soon, thousands of patients will pass through their hands. They pay taxes. They buy products. They keep their brains working. Who knows, they might produce children who are much more capable than either me or them.

The best part of all is this: I can finally breathe. Occasionally I get pissed when hearing some bad decisions made by one or two of them but I never claimed all my nieces and nephews are perfect. Once I unleash my lashing words upon them, oh well, I never said I were not ruthless , neither was I perfect - I used to be one of 4 clinical supervisors in a Philippine hospital where only a quarter of the students passed - try answering a 4 columned matching type exam, meaning, match and rematch 4 times until you will curse me forever - once I unleash my sharp tongue, the kids take the message and try harder.

Somehow I am putting them aside slowly, majority of them as well as my whole family seem to understand what I am trying to accomplish. I am working on their independence, their ability to stand on two feet, and deciding correctly what is good or bad. Life is not a matter of switching jobs here and there, is not over-spending, is not spoiling oneself or children. Life, when you really face is not meant for the softies.

As far as I concerned, I will keep on writing these pieces, and I don't harbor an illusion of monopolized correctness in everything. All I know is this: Sometimes, it is important to record your thoughts, for someone out there to read because he could find Reason and Logic in what I say.

What is awesome to me nowadays is this sudden freedom that I am beginning to enjoy. I remember when I started in the USA as an OFW, alone and isolated in Lebanon Tn, I often woke up in the middle of the night frightened by the magnitude of responsibilities dropped upon my lap. There was a volcanic eruption and recession, there was I unable to understand the new culture I am exposed to. I hardened myself. And here I am now.

Really, I am no longer afraid.